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Гитаристы поймут.

Только что рассказали про одного мужика, у которого День Рождения 8-го марта. Как же мне его по-человечески и по-мужски жалко...

[size=16]Проблемы русских детей, выросших в иммигрантских семьях.
    Having so much food on the table at every single party your parents host that can last for weeks when the party ends.
    Your mom tells you to eat something she just made and you say "mama, i'm not hungry," and she replies "a shto?! nada bit golodnim shtob eta pokushat?!"
    Getting enough food to feed 10 people every week for one, and then being asked every day till next week "U tebia est chto kushat?
    Running out of semechki is a crisis.
    Kinder Suprise is THE best thing in the world.
    You are upstairs. Papa calls from downstairs. Why? Two possible reasons: 1 He wants you to bring him his tapochki (which lie about 10 feet away, by the TV), or 2 It's just a proverka sluha (checking your hearing).
    You say "Blin!" instead of "Shit!"
    When your entire family calls "negrov" abezyanami
    the main sport every russian kid has had to play once in their life: tennis, soccer, and durаk. if u dont know how to play durak, u should be disinherited.
    When you get sunburned your grandparents tell you to put smetana on it
    At one point in your life, you had a carpet hanging on your wall.
    You can't go to a friend's house "s pustymi rukami" - you should bring a torktik.
    Your mom will tell you to lose weight, and 5 minutes later ask you why you are not eating her piroshki.
    Your parents insist on wearing a hat in the winter, because golova ne zopa.
    You try to get your mother's attention several times by repeatedly saying 'mama..' and she replies "NE MAMKAY MNE!"
    When you tell your mother about something you read or did on the internet, and she responds with, "OH ti duraka valayish instead of looking for colleges?!"
    "gavno na palachky" is worse than just plain "gavno"
    There is no right time to eat anything cold. You either are sick, were just sick, or will get sick.
    There are only 3 types of anti-septic your parents trust and use: zelyonka, iod and marganzovka. So you have variety of choices to be green, orange or purple.
    "Holodets" is also known as "Jellied minced meat cooked with eggs and pig feet." Try getting any of your American friends to try that one.
    Trying to explain to your American friends what "iolki palki", "obaldet" or "pizdets" means
    Your dad brings peroshkee to the airport "Shtop ti nee kooshala drek", and airport security dosen't let you pass because they can't figure out what they are.
    Every guy you date/dated your father calls "chistiy dibil”
    Your mom insists that you clean your room before the cleaning lady comes "shtobi nye bilo stidno"
    When relatives and family friends tell you: "you know when your mother was your age she already had a husband and a kid to take care of..."
    When you come home from school or work you must change into your "domashniya" clothes.
    When your grandma doesnt let you outside untill you finish your food, even though youre dying inside.
    You spent elementary and middle school wanting PB&J and Fruit Rollups for lunch instead of your meatball wrapped in rye. Now you sit in your college dorm pining for kotleti.
    Papa's favorite line: "NITCHEVO SEBYE!"
    Every single event in your life is somehow indicative of whether or not you will get married
    Forget the Tylenol - every cold must be treated with "bankee". Papa stands over you with a torch while mamma puts blankets on your back & yells at you to keep still. Then trying to hide the round circles on your back from your American friends.
    "A chto k chau?"
    When you invite a friend to your house, and your mother begins feeding him/her, you know she approves. Likewise, if no food is offered, you know not to bring them back
    When you don't need a fake because your parents buy you alcohol, no questions asked. This makes your friends insanely jealous.
    Mama always texts you the weirdest things and ne dai box shto ti shto to ne to napisala, she will call you to find out what it meant
    Phone call from grandma: "Ya po televizoru videla chto po internetu peredaut virusy, ne vkoem sluchae ne pol'zuysya internetom"
    You make some tea before going to sleep and mama or papa always say to you, "A patom nochu ne spish!"
    When your mom always says about every guy you mention that if he likes anything sexual he is not a haroshiy malchik! naydi haroshivo malchika!
    Its the ultimate win when u beat your grandmother a duraka
    When you complain to your parents about a bee sting or a mosquito bite and they respond with "po tomu chto ti sladkaya"
    When your parents force feed your american friends even though they said they're full...
    Having so much food on the table at every single party your parents host that can last for weeks when the party ends.
    If you have a russian or rssian jewish friend your parents automatically question why you aren't married to that person yet.
    Vse harosho?? Slavu bogu. Tsfu tsfu tsfu cheres levoya plecho!!
    Every time you visit бабушка и дедушка's house, you get this speech:
    Ты голодная?
    Не очень
    Хорошо. Но надо есть!
    Бабушка я не голодноя!
    Хорошо, хорошо. Я тебе только немножко дам.
    3 hours and 5 million courses later...
    Вот тебе чай. У нас еще наполеон, вафли, водычка...
    Everyone has to sit down before leaving for a trip.
    When your father's broken English, asks for the "Hostage" instead of the "Hostess" at the restaurant.
    When a black cat crosses the road and your immediately stops the car and refuses to go until somebody else passes her.
    Your mom will never throw away old garments because they make good "tryapki"
    If there is a birthday party, your whole family will sing "Heppy Byorzday tu yu"
    "Ne svisti doma, deneg ne budit!" If you could only explain to your american friends the connection between whistling and wealth.
    Your mother's road rage includes calling other drivers "kazol"
    When your babushka says this about every person she knows- "eto maya znakomaya"
    The only "tupperware" in your house is old smetana containers.
    When your American boyfriend visits, your papa immediately takes off his tapochki and gives them to him. Your mama is hustling to find more tapochki around the house so everyone's feet are covered
    You make up a middle name for yourself because explaining "eemya ochestva" to Americans is impossible.
    When you eat too many sweets, mom goes : A popa ne slipnitsa?
    Your American friends don't understand "slohkim parom"
    Everytime you compliment someone or say something positive, you might jinx them, so you always have to spit three times "ptu ptu ptu SHTOB NE ZGLAZAT!"
    Your parents always make you wear "tapachkee" inside the house. And all of your friends.
    When you don't finish your babushka's seven course meal including :salads, potatoes, fish, meat, soup, more meat, and finally desert, it means you don't love her.
    You don't understand why everyone doesn't sleep with a puhovaya adeyala, even in the summer.
    You have to sleep with no underwear "shtobi peeska dishala"
    Explaining to your American friends that your family is neither yelling or fighting just talking to each other
    At the end of the day having to tell your mother every detail of what you did including how many times you went to the bathroom
    When you see a middle-aged aunt or female relative, after not having seen them for a long period of time, and the first thing out of her mouth is "oh ti tak popravilas!" or "oh ti tak pohudela!"
    Your mom does laps around the house on the phone repeating the phrase line "nu shto tebye skazat.."
    You are cry-laughing reading all these problems because they are soo true[/size]

Находчивый отец, чтобы узнать, ругается ли его сын матом, ударил его по пальцам молотком.

Если набрать на домофоне *100#, то он покажет, сколько в доме денег

В школе №38 уволили трудовика. Он даже не пил. Просто носил халат на голое тело…

Умер известный дрессировщик Вальтер Готлиб. Смерть наступила в результате льва.

Пассажиры поезда Москва-Одесса поняли, что что-то пошло не так, когда по вагону с напряжённым лицом прошёл Стивен Сигал.

Молдавские учёные расшифровали сигналы светофора!

Предчувствуя неладное, Муму ещё с вечера наелась пенопласта.

Самец ласки перед тем, как овладеть любимой лаской, овладевает еще несколькими ласками. Это - предварительные ласки.

Скaжите, святой отец, a почему в кaтолической церкви хор поет под клaвесин, оргaн или фисгaрмонию, a у нaс, прaвослaвных - без aккомпaнементa?
- Дело в том, сын мой, что нaстоящий тaлaнт не пропьешь. А вот клaвесин - кaк нех#й делaть.

- База, база, я борт N 34. Высота 15 км. Отказали двигатели, катапульта не работает, жду указаний.
- Борт N 34, я база. Повторяйте за мной: "Отче наш, иже еси на небеси..."

На днях в троллейбус-гармошку врезались сразу три одинаковых автомобиля «Хонда». Дорожные комиссары три часа думали, как записать в протокол, что в гармошке три аккорда.

- дайте пожалуйста " Новопассит "
- что , что , простите ?
- не зли меня , сука !

Очень интеллигентная девушка приходит к маме и говорит:
- Мам, сегодня я случайно подрезала маршрутное такси, оттуда вышел джентльмен южной внешности и сказал: "Я, твоя мама и бал". Я всю дорогу думала и не могла понять, может быть ты вспомнишь: на каком балу мы с тобой могли его видеть?

Приходит в церковь девушка 18-ти лет и, потупив очи, спрашивает священника:
- Батюшка, вы не могли бы дать концептуальную оценку той интерпретации исихазма, которую отец Иоанн Меендорф осуществил в своей последней монографии, вышедшей в Париже в период становления там русской диаспоры...
- Замуж, дура! Немедленно замуж!!!

Украинская свадьба. В дымину пьяный жених спит за столом, к нему
подходит друг и говорит:
- Мыкола, проснись, ты на свадьбе.
Жених:
- Ик... На чьей свадьбе?
- Да на твоей свадьбе! Ты сегодня женился.
- Я женился?! А кто она?
- Да мы её толком и не видели. Ты с ней познакомился и через три дня
женился.
- Как хоть её зовут?
- Да мы не помним, чи Галя, чи Полина...
Жених (хватаясь за голову):
- Чиполино?! Ой, бляяяя!

у нас кот также себя ведет(

Продолжая тему рекламы в Сети:

http://спасисвоюжопув.рф/

Угадайте куда он вас приведет?